I can’t wait to meet the little lady that’s nearly done baking, but it hasn’t been a straight forward journey getting to this point.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would but eventually in late summer 2016, after nearly 18 months of trying, we finally got that positive test. After so long and so many negative tests and even more ovulation tests… we were ecstatic. However our little girl was not meant for this world – she was diagnosed with a neurological defect and we were told that even if I managed to carry her to term, she would not have survived outside of the womb. So three weeks before Christmas 2016 our hearts broke as we said goodbye to her, her ashes scattered amongst the snowdrops in Hampshire.
And that was the hardest 6 months of my life – I’m not sure I thought I would ever get over the trauma, physically or mentally. But our wonderful friends and family pulled us through Christmas and into the new year, I went back to work and slowly as winter turned to spring, I learnt to smile again.
Thinking about trying again was a daunting prospect and when I fell pregnant in Summer 2017 my partner had to force me to take the test. I think I thought that if I could just ignore it and bury my head in the sand for 3 months then it would be okay and somehow that would protect me and the little dot. When I got that positive I cried. I cried for the baby I had lost and the stress my body had been put under. I cried out of happiness… then out of guilt…. then out of fear that it would happen again and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Under consultant care for the first 12 weeks we were looked after by many of the nurses and doctors who had taken care of us the Christmas before. They remembered. And they were wonderful.
Getting to 12 weeks did not bring the excitement that it should have as I was still convinced the same was going to happen, we told very few people and I still could barely acknowledge it. But as time went on, finally I felt like we could begin to celebrate and plan and get excited.
The day of my partners 30th birthday I took him to find out that we were going to have a little girl… what an incredible moment to see the smile on his face. Somewhere, in the midst of the excitement, I had a little pang of guilt and a cry once again for the one we had lost but I focused on the little rainbow baby that we had been blessed with.
So here we are, nearly 38 weeks pregnant and about to pop! Struggling with what my body needs – good wholesome soul food, and what my body wants – Ben & Jerrys cookie dough and a bucket of tea.
I can’t wait for her to get here. I can’t wait to see if she gets my partners bright blue eyes and big pouty lips. Or if she gets my crazy uncontrollable hair. I can’t wait to watch her turn into a little lady watch as she wraps her daddy around her little finger!
To those who are grieving a recent loss or struggling to become pregnant again after losing a baby, whilst you will never be quite the same person you were before, things will get better and this doesn’t have to destroy you. Take care of your body. Give yourself time. Reach out to others with a similar story – they know exactly how you are feeling. Think of a way to honour and remember your baby. We planted snowdrops in our garden, delicate beautiful little flowers that soldier on through the winter and into spring.